Posts tagged romance

…and cut the heartstring you keep on plucking, but then I remember why it was there to begin with and I throw the scissors to the floor.

A rant of one of my many fears…

The concept of love has become terrifying… to the point where I want to avoid it at all cost. In the shadows it lurks with its beckoning palm outstretched and widespread grin over its soft features and promises it cannot keep.

On several occasions I have stepped too close to the mischievous mystery to have it snatch up my wrist in an attempt to drag me into its realm. I manage to claw at the gravel and dirt until I am free from its clutches battered and bruised. Each time a new false hope presented. Each time a new promise broken. Each time a new scar.

However, no matter how much harm it has caused me… and no matter how many times it has failed me I find myself attracted to the twinkle in its eyes. Most of all… I am attracted to the offer of freedom it presents to me.

“Free from the shadows in your heart…” promises Love. “Free from the sorrow. The grief… I can free you from your pain.”

Unconsciously I stepped closer to it as if I had never felt the pain from each time I managed to scramble out from it. No matter how mangled my limbs, no matter how aching my body, and no matter how heavy my heart I see myself walk towards the very cause of my agony.

“I promise it will be different… I promise they are right. Your chest shall ache no more.” Love repeats the same phrase to me with an extended arm and an open palm.

Then it finally hits me what I am doing. I stop abruptly in my tracks only a few inches away from its reach.

“Why do you hesitate? Why have you stopped? Come closer. All will be well. Happiness is yours. Do you not love them? Do you not want to be by their side until the end of time?”

A simple nod is my reply.

“Then why do you linger?” Love cocks its head to the side and attempts to extend its reach further.

“Because they will not love me,” I took a small step back.

“Why do you say that? Why speak such lies?”

“It happens every time…”

“Maybe it is you who is at fault, my dear. Give this one a chance. I promise it will be well.”

“The last one promised me forever… They promised me freedom beyond my wildest dreams. They promised me everything I could possibly hope for… and then the no longer loved me.” My fingers curl into loose fists with my head hung low.

“They were not in your life long enough to judge well… I assure you. This one will be right.”

“Over a year wasn’t long enough to judge? Over a year was too short of a time?”

“It may be so… Join my realm. Embrace it. I promise you freedom. I promise you that this one will be right.”

A moment of silence, and then my fists tightened. “You’ve been wrong ten times… maybe even more.”

There is a hint of hesitation on Love’s face and a desperation for a comeback. “Don’t you love them?”

“Yes.”

“Then why not take the chance?” Love replied with a sly grin. Surely, if anything, that was likely to make me cave.

“Because… they will never love me.”

“How could you possibly say that? Do you feel you are inferior? Surely, you cannot. Surely, they do not feel this is so.”

“I know this is so. If they loved me…” I lift one of my hands to my head, softening my fingers and running them through my hair. “…truly loved me… I wouldn’t be alone…”

“What if they are unaware of your feelings?” Love spat.

“Everyone knows… everyone always has. It’s a feeling I fail at hiding. Anyone who doesn’t see it is blind, dumb, or doesn’t know me.” The pain from love starts prickling at my weary heart, and then begins to turn into sharp stabs. Tears trickle down my cheeks past my trembling lips. “If they loved me… truly loved me… I wouldn’t be alone… I wouldn’t be scared…”

I stepped away from Love who attempted to jump at me, but I was too far away. Once I reached a good enough distance I fell back onto my bottom with my palms wiping at my wet face.

In the shadows Love began shape-shifting until it reached the desired form. The light shimmering across the newly-made, sky blue eyes that it knew would melt my heart.

The trickle of tears turned into thick rivers as my body trembled and I watched as the one I wanted most reached out their hand towards me with a reassuring smile. They weren’t the real one, but did not make my heart ache any less.

“If… I believed you could love me at all… I’d try with every fiber of my being…” came whimpers from my shaking frame.

“But I do lo-“

“Don’t you dare say it…” My palms instantly cover my eyes and my torso falls forward.

“But don’t you want me to lo-“

“Yes… I want you to want me and need me and love me and hold me and to be by my side. I want you to love me like I love you. I want you to constantly think about me in your daily life like I do you. I want to to wish I’d talk to you. I want you to want to be around me. I want you to love me so much… I want to see that smiling face of yours that I can tell is for me… or at least was at some point… I want to have beautiful babies with you. I want to grow old and wrinkly with you and I never want you out of my life…” I paused. “But most of all… I want you to be happy… and if that means that you won’t love me… so be it…”

The false form disappears and Love stands in its place. “You cannot expect to receive affection if you hide from it. With love comes pain. With loneliness come pain. Why not go with the option that offers some good?”

“Because the pain with love… is worse than the pain that comes with loneliness…”

“If you truly loved them… you would fight for them.”

“With that logic… no one has ever loved me.”

Love stood there dumbstruck and stepped back into its shadows. For the time being… Love had nothing to say.